I'll Wait
by Bimadabomi
Summary: If we were meant to be together, this attempt at a relationship would have been completely different. It wouldn't be ending. Post Partings oneshot. LL.


I I'm not very confident about this, because I'm trying to squeeze so much into a one-shot, and it would be (will be? ahh!) such a complex situation that would need a ton of fleshing out that I just don't want to do. But my beta likes it and wanted me to post it because she says it gives her hope about even the worst-case scenario for season 7. So here it is. Keep the faith, as always. /i 

Lorelai arrived at the inn feeling exhausted and worn out, as usual, despite the twelve hours of sleep she had managed to snag the night before. She was always feeling exhausted lately, and she wasn't sure why. No amount of coffee or caffeine seemed to make any difference. If she was honest with herself, she might admit that that was a sign of her being unhappy, but she tried to shake that off. She was happy. Right?

Sure, the past six months had been a whirlwind of changes in her life. Just over six months ago, she'd had an engagement ring on her finger. That was gone now, as was the fiancé who had given it to her (though he was still somewhere around town he no longer had position of fiancé in her life), as was the friendship of her best friend, and the world's best coffee was no longer available to her.

Okay, so she wasn't exactly I happy /i . But she wasn't about to go into a catatonic state of depression, either. She had been through a lot, and she was happy I enough /i , considering. She had her amazing daughter who was in her senior year of college and doing wonderfully. She had her inn, which was doing extremely well for its third year in business. She had Sookie, who was an amazing friend and had never left her side in the past six months. And she had Christopher.

For some reason, that one always came last.

She wasn't sure how she had gotten here. After waking up in Christopher's bed the morning after breaking up with Luke (or so she had thought, until he had angrily corrected her), she had taken off, ashamed of herself, barely able to stomach the guilt of waking up in Christopher's bed with Luke's engagement ring still on her finger. If these had been any other two men, it might not have sounded so horrible. Okay, so it would have. But knowing Luke's feelings about Christopher and her past with both Christopher and Luke, it was the worst scenario that could have ever been constructed and one she never would have imagined letting herself get into.

She would never forget the look on Luke's face when he found out. She would feel guilty about that forever. She had screwed up, majorly, and the fact that this screw up had hurt I him /i was too much for her to bear. She knew how he felt about Chris, and so after the initial hopeful questioning about if he could ever forgive her and her initial attempt at defending herself, she'd backed off. She knew how this had hurt him and she didn't blame him for not wanting to forgive her. And besides, she didn't really have much of a defense going. There was no excuse for what had happened and she knew it.

Rory had been just as bummed that summer, with Logan off in London, and the two of them were about as much fun as a trip to the dentist. They had spent their time together complaining about their love lives and moaning in agony at movies and TV shows that reminded them of their respective situations.

And the thing that confused her the most was that despite the fact she was so upset about losing Luke, about the fact that Luke hadn't wanted to marry her and the fact that she'd then made sure there was no room for him to change his mind, she somehow found herself spending more and more time with Chris. Maybe because he seemed to actually care about her, unlike Luke had the last few months of their relationship. Maybe because he would lift her mood since he wasn't in a depression of his own like Rory was. Maybe because by this point in her life, she was just ready to cling to any relationship where someone still wanted her. Maybe because Chris had seen her screw up time after time, and he still thought she was worth his time. She'd always thought Luke would never give up on her, despite her screw-ups, but she had obviously done something to make him stop trusting her, to stop wanting her, after all. Maybe Chris really was the only one who would love her despite herself.

She had started to spend a lot of time with him during the summer. He was an old friend, after all, and her daughter's father. She'd just needed someone to hang out with, someone who didn't hate her, who wasn't depressed about her own love life, who didn't have a husband and kids that kept her busy, and Chris seemed to fill that position. They would hang out at his place, go out to a movie, go out to dinner, take Gigi out somewhere. And before she knew what happened, one day Chris had kissed her, they were going out more often, and their outings had a weird 'date' vibe about them, and Gigi was almost never included on their outings. She wasn't sure how it had happened, exactly, but she was pretty sure she had gotten into a relationship with Chris. And she was pretty sure he was more excited about it than she was. Because the thing was, she didn't love him, and with this kind of relationship, with a person like this, she should know already if she did.

She went with it, because she knew she had, at one point, wanted this chance. Hadn't she spent a long time wanting a chance to be with her daughter's father? She had. So what if it was all before Luke, she I had /i wanted it at one point. And it was nice to have someone to spend time with. And it was nice to be needed and wanted.

When he would ask if she could look after Gigi she would agree because hell, at least someone trusted her with his kid. She just simply ignored the fact that sometimes Chris just assumed she'd be there to take care of Gigi and sometimes he took off and left her with Gigi at a moment's notice. But at least he trusted her, right?

When he would kiss her, she would return the kiss, because at least someone wanted her. Sometimes she would kiss him, just to remember what it was like to have someone want to be kissed by her. At least someone loved her. She just ignored the fact that she knew he loved her but she knew she didn't love him. She just ignored the fact that she was kissing him because she was glad someone wanted her and not because she wanted to be kissing him, especially.

She'd avoided sex at all costs, however, because every time Chris attempted she would remember I that /i night and was horrified at the idea of experiencing that feeling of guilt and emptiness again. At first he'd been understanding and patient, but lately she saw him get more and more exasperated and disappointed, as if he was realizing that she wasn't really all there, she wasn't really all with him. She wasn't really… all in. And if she was honest with herself, she I wasn't /i all in with Chris and she knew it, somewhere deep down.

She would still open her closet and see her wedding dress and be unable to avoid crying. She only finally moved it out of sight when Rory caught her in her bedroom in tears with the dress right in front of her. Rory had immediately known, of course, what was going on, and had began pressing her about what she was doing with Chris if she was still so in love with Luke, concerned that she was just making herself even more unhappy, and Lorelai felt horrible when she really had no good answers she could give Rory. And after that, every time she looked unhappy Rory would press her on what in the world she was doing. However, Rory was still under the delusion that Luke would give her another chance eventually, so Rory's opinions really meant nothing.

She wasn't sure how Rory felt about it all. Rory seemed to have a rather indifferent attitude about her parents being together. She had a feeling Rory would probably rather have Luke be her stepfather than have her mother with her father, and that wasn't how things should be. But nothing was as it should be. So they didn't discuss the relationship much. Rory had only spent one night hanging out with both her and Chris, and it hadn't gone too well after Rory had innocently started a story, "Remember that time that Luke.." and the whole room went silent. Lorelai realized that, ironically, being with Chris was causing him to spend even less time with Rory.

Her parents had been even more tight-lipped about it all. She felt like she was living in a completely twisted universe every time her mother brought up Luke, purposely, just like she used to do with Chris, especially when she did it in front of Chris to purposely get at him during the one Friday dinner he had attended. She would never understand her mother. When had her mother switched to Team Luke?

And lately Sookie had been studying her behavior as well, ever since she and Sookie had been out on an errand for the inn and saw Luke on the street. Lorelai had stopped cold for a moment before turning to hide in the bookstore, trying to tell Sookie that she needed to look for a book for Rory, but the look on her face was enough to clue Sookie in to the fact that she was completely mixed up.

Lorelai had tried her hardest to pretend that everything was okay, that she wanted this chance with Chris. After all, hadn't she spent years waiting for her chance with Chris? So why was she so miserable now that she had it?

Oh, who was she kidding? She'd stopped wanting her chance with Chris a long time ago. And once she'd fallen in love with Luke, she I knew /i he was the one she really and truly wanted to be with.

But that was the thing. That was all over now, she couldn't I be /i with the one she really I wanted /i to be with. And if she ever wanted to get married, if she didn't want to be that crazy cat lady, she had to find someone. So she was exploring things with Chris. After all, she had thrown her whole relationship with Luke away because of a night with Chris, the least she could do was follow through on her action.

And as the months went on, the walls began to break down. That's why Rory and Sookie were starting to notice the feelings she'd been able to keep buried inside at first.

She found herself wishing, more than anything, that she had known that her time with Luke was coming to an end. That she had known the last time she kissed him would be the last time, that the last time they had made love would be the last time. If she had, she would have kissed him a little longer and kept her arms wrapped around him a little longer. She wished that she could hug him once more, that she could see that smile that he always gave her just once more. She wanted to have him hand her a cup of coffee and have their fingers lightly brush together once more and have him criticize her eating habits once more and confuse him with a reference once more. She wanted to tease him one more time and have him hold her hand one more time and hear him tell her that she was beautiful one more time.

And she knew these weren't exactly the kind of thoughts she should be having while attempting to have a relationship with Chris. She would always love Luke, she knew that. After all, they always say you never stop loving your first love. The irony of this situation was that both Chris and Luke probably thought that that title and privilege was for Chris. But it wasn't. She told herself that maybe one day she could get past her love for Luke enough to finally love Chris.

"Honey, what's going on with you?" Sookie finally asked, catching Lorelai in the kitchen that morning.

"What do you mean?" she asked Sookie with a frown.

"You just don't seem yourself again today. You've been like this for a while now. You're not bubbly. You don't have that sparkle in your eye. You don't joke. You take Michel seriously."

Lorelai shrugged. "I don't know. I'm just tired, I guess."

"Lorelai," Sookie said with a sigh. "C'mon, I know you better than to just take 'I don't know' as an answer."

"Well, what do you want me to say?" Lorelai snapped, turning away from Sookie and picking up a cup of coffee.

"Well, how are things with… Christopher?" Sookie said his name hesitantly as if she still couldn't believe the turn of events in the past year.

"They're fine," Lorelai said shortly, lifting the cup of coffee to her lips.

"You're happy with him?"

Lorelai froze, not wanting to have this conversation, keeping her back to Sookie. "Well… I don't know. It's something, at least. I have fun with him."

"I don't think you're I happy /i happy."

"Sookie, I know, okay? But what choice do I have?" Lorelai finally spun around to face Sookie. "I have two choices, pretty much. Be with Chris, or be alone. Alone wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs, either."

"But at least it's not pretending," Sookie said gently. "And that's not fair to Chris, either."

"I know. But it's still new," Lorelai defended herself. "Everything with Luke is still… fresh. Things with Chris will just take some more time to really pick up."

Sookie tilted her head and looked at Lorelai. "It's been five months since Luke, Hon. That's not really fresh anymore."

Tears filled Lorelai's eyes, and she bit her lip to keep from crying. Damn Sookie for breaking down her wall like this. Had this really been going on for five months now? The pain she felt still felt fresh like it had just happened yesterday. "Well, yeah. I know. But it still feels fresh."

"So then what in the world are you doing with Christopher," Sookie questioned, "if you're still this upset about Luke? You're confusing yourself and that's making it all harder on you."

Lorelai shrugged. "I don't know," she looked at Sookie helplessly. "Chris wants me. I've let too many chances to be wanted go, I had to take this one while it was still here. It might be the last one. I'm almost forty, how many guys are still really and truly going to I want /i me in a few more years? I screwed up with Luke, I know that. I'm not going to screw up again."

"You're not happy with him," Sookie stated. "I know it. I can see it. All I've ever wanted for you is to be happy, Lorelai… with Max, with Luke, with Christopher. If you were truly happy with Christopher I would be happy for you… even though I've always thought Luke really was meant for you…" Sookie saw Lorelai grimace and close her eyes in pain at that, so she quickly got back to her point, "but you're not happy. I've seen you happy, and this is not happy. Especially compared to the past two years, when you were happier than I've ever seen you. Listen to your heart, Lorelai."

"My heart," she said slowly, as if it was hard for her to finally admit her true feelings out loud, "my heart wants something that it can't have. So I can't listen to my heart. I have to listen to my head that tells me that Chris is probably my last chance to have that whole package now. It's all I'm allowed after what I did to Luke. If it's not Chris, who's it going to be? I don't really have time to shop around for the world's next best guy after Luke. And Chris is a good guy, we've known each other forever, he I is /i Rory's father, and so he's a perfectly reasonable choice."

"I've never taken you to be the kind of person who is desperate to get married," Sookie shrugged. "At least, not until last year with Luke. But never desperate I just /i to get married for the sake of being married. I don't think it's just being married that you want. It's being married to Luke that you wanted so badly, not just being married."

"Sookie, I just…" Lorelai sighed, annoyed, "I'm trying to figure out my life, okay? And this is how I'm doing it. So just let me do this."

"Would you want the same things with him that you wanted with Luke?"

"What?" Lorelai asked, confused.

"Marriage?"

Lorelai shrugged, ignoring the voice in her head that was screaming 'no.' "Maybe one day, if we can get to that point."

"More kids?"

Lorelai sighed and bit her lip. She'd never really thought about that one. She guessed Chris would probably want more kids with her. But she'd just thought that if they ever managed to get married, Rory would be enough. And besides, there was Gigi to raise.

"No," Lorelai finally said. "No kids." The only way another living person was coming out of her was if it belonged to Luke.

Sookie raised her eyebrows. "See!" she exclaimed. "Do you love Luke?" Sookie asked her, looking into her eyes.

"Sookie…"

"Do you love him?" she asked again, adamantly. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love Luke anymore."

"I can't," Lorelai admitted. "And you know that. Of course I love Luke. He's the only man I ever loved and I will always love him. But he doesn't love me anymore, he doesn't want me, he made I that /i perfectly clear. So it doesn't really matter one bit if I love Luke or not."

"Yes, it does. And it probably matters to Luke and to Christopher, too."

Lorelai sighed. "Eventually the pain of losing Luke has to go away, right?" she asked. "And when it does, because time heals all wounds… they say that, you know… then I can focus on Chris. And for now, I need him so I'm not all alone."

"After all this time, if you were going to fall in love with Christopher, don't you think you would have by now?"

"I don't know," Lorelai admitted, putting her head in her hands for a moment then looking up at Sookie. "Most likely," she admitted. She was quiet a moment longer. "Yes," she finally stated. "I would have." She was surprised she had finally vocalized that thought to someone. What the hell was the matter with Sookie, forcing her out from behind her wall? She liked it behind her wall.

"The only reason you should be with Christopher is if you've always really wanted him over anyone else. You'd know by now if you loved him." Lorelai sighed, knowing she had thought the same thing. "Do you honestly think that Luke would never give you another chance?" Sookie added.

"Ohh, Sookie. You didn't see him when he found out about that night with Chris. He was so upset and so angry and so hurt… he hates me now. And I don't blame him. And now that I've gone and pursued a relationship with Chris, well, I can only imagine what he's thinking about me."

"Oh I please /i , stop fooling yourself," Sookie told her. "And besides, you're not going to be able to force things to work with Chris if it's not what you really want."

Lorelai stared at her hands for a long time. "I know," she admitted in a whisper. "I've known it all along, but I just keep denying it. I just keep hoping that something will magically change and suddenly I will love Chris like I love Luke."

"That's not going to happen. You can't just transfer your feelings like that."

"Yeah... I know," Lorelai reluctantly admitted with a sigh.

"What are you going to do?"

"I shouldn't keep pretending with Chris," Lorelai admitted. "I'm miserable," she said, suddenly feeling a weight lifted as she admitted her true feelings. "And he's so sweet to me. Or he tries to be. Sometimes he's still the same old stupid Chris who leaves me with Gigi at a moment's notice like when he went to Atlantic City for business a couple weeks ago, but most of the time… he's that guy I always wished he would've been when we were sixteen. And he's really trying. But I'm not happy with him. He's not… he's not Luke. And even when Luke was acting like an oblivious idiot with everything about April last year, I'd still choose that guy over this one who's got his act together."

"Luke loves you more than anything," Sookie said sincerely. "And he's hurting right now. A lot. I know, because Jackson and I went to the diner a couple weeks ago, and I see him around town and say hi sometimes… and well, it's not pretty. In five months, even after how you hurt him, he still loves you like crazy."

"Well, I still love him, too, but that doesn't mean anything. Sometimes that's just not enough. It's not enough to make him want to forgive me."

"But sometimes it I is /i enough."

Lorelai sighed. "I'll talk to Chris tonight. Probably break yet another heart. Good thing I've had a lot of practice at it."

"Good. I mean, not good that you're breaking his heart, but… I want to see you sparkle again."

center /center 

"Hey," Lorelai said when Chris opened the door, hurrying inside his apartment before he could lean in to kiss her. "Can we talk?"

"Sure," Chris said, gesturing for Lorelai to sit on the couch. "Gigi's asleep," he added.

"Good, that's good," she mumbled as she took a seat on the couch. "Look, this is hard for me to say, so let me just say this…."

Chris looked at her and then looked down quickly. "Lorelai, you don't have to."

She frowned. "I don't have to what?"

"Say what you're going to say," he said carefully as he sat down in front of her on his coffee table.

"I don't?"

"No. I know what you're going to say, I've been waiting for it. I just kept hoping that eventually…" he sighed in defeat. "Well, I know what's coming. You haven't really embraced this realtionship. I mean, when I suggest taking things past kissing, you wig out."

"I'm sorry," she said sincerely. "But it isn't right, you and me."

"Look, Lor," Chris sighed. "I know what happened with Luke was a big deal for you and it hasn't been that long… are you sure you don't just need more time? I'll wait for you. I will."

"It's not about needing more time. All the time in the world isn't going to change the fact that I'm in love with Luke and I'm always going to be. He's the only man I've ever loved, and he's the only man I ever I will /i love," she explained, watching an expression of pain flicker across Chris's face guiltily. "I'm sorry. But you need to know that that's how I feel."

"Lor…" he sighed, gathering his thoughts before he spoke. "Isn't there anything I can do to change your mind? We're supposed to be together. I'll do whatever it is you need me to do."

"There's nothing you can do, Chris. It's just that we're I not /i supposed to be together, we were two kids who had sex in high school and decided not to use a condom. That doesn't mean we were meant to be together. Rory was not some sign of fate. We were kids who were stupid about sex and ended up becoming parents together, it doesn't mean we're meant to be together."

"But… I understand you!" he tried to convince her. "We talk the same way. We make crazy references. I understand your references. We connect like that."

"You know, the references are a lot less fun to make when they're not met with confusion."

"What?"

"Nothing, never mind. Chris, the fact that we both know pop culture doesn't mean we're in love with each other, and neither does the fact that we eat the same junk food. In fact, that kind of sucks for us, because then we have to share."

"But I I know /i you," he protested weakly. "You know me. That has to mean something."

"Yes," she said slowly. "It means we've known each other for a long time. It means we were good friends when we were growing up. It means that we bonded over rebelling against our families when we were kids and that we were the only ones we could stand at big holiday dinners. It doesn't mean that we're meant to be, or that we even love each other. It means we're friends."

"No," he shook his head. "I love you," he insisted. "I do, Lorelai. I know it."

She was unable to look at him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you really, truly do love me, because I can't return the feeling. I don't love you. I know it."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive."

"Luke's not going to take you back, you know," he spat, clearly hurt.

"It doesn't matter," she said confidently. "That's not the issue. This is not about making a choice between you and him, because he's not an option for me to choose anymore, I know that. It's about me making a choice for myself. Because the thing is, if there was a choice, I wouldn't be here. And that's how I know it's not right. And would you really want to be with someone who wasn't really in love with you and was just pretending?"

Chris sighed and took a deep breath. "Well, no. Not really," he said with a sigh.

"So then… here we are."

"Here we are," Chris agreed. "I guess this is the end of us?"

"These past couple of months we haven't really been together, not like we should have been if this was meant to be. It wouldn't have been so forced if we were supposed to be together."

"Yeah, I kind of got the feeling that it was a little forced at times," he stated bluntly.

"I'm sorry."

"Well… I'm sorry, too," he said sadly.

"Look… we finally had a chance, okay? Here it was, the past few months, that chance that we always claimed we never got and was the reason we never got a chance to be together. We're ending this because it's not right, not because something else is in the way. If we were supposed to be together this attempt at a relationship would have been completely different. It wouldn't be ending."

"I guess," Chris sighed. "I mean, I want to be with you but… if you don't want to be with me then I guess we aren't really going to work out."

"Yeah, that's kind of a hitch in the plan," she agreed. "Look… I should go," she added, standing up from the couch and heading towards the door. "I am sorry. I never should have… I shouldn't have let this go so far when I knew my heart wasn't in it."

Chris sighed and followed her to the door. "It's okay … I should have known. You always did look at him in this... way." He looked at her for a second and then spoke again, "So, I'll see you around sometime, I'm sure."

"Yeah, I'm sure you will," Lorelai agreed. "Rory's graduating soon. So I'll see you around."

He nodded. "Goodbye, Lorelai."

She nodded and stepped out of his apartment. She immediately felt something and she realized that she had needed this break from him for a long, long time. She looked back at all those moments where she had been upset over Chris, where she had wished she had gotten a chance with him, all those times that she fell all over herself around him, and they all just seemed… meaningless. Before she had always known she would choose Luke before Chris, but she had always kind of thought that Chris could be another option, that he could have been the choice had she taken a different path. Now she realized, he wasn't. There was only one option, no matter how things went, and it was Luke. Nothing else was right.

And unlike when ending things with Luke, there was no crushing pain, no inability to breathe, no tears, no anger.

All she felt was relief.

center /center 

She found herself sitting on the curb across the street from the diner later that night. She wasn't sure why, but something had led her there, and all she could do was sit and stare at the diner. The Williams Hardware sign. The yellow Luke's sign hanging beneath it. The word "food" across the window that was in her sight.

She couldn't even imagine how many times she'd walked up those steps and into that diner. Thousands of times, probably. At least one thousand times, easy, she decided. Ten years she'd been frequenting Luke's, at least once a day for many of those years, many times more than that. And then the past two years, her visits had doubled in amount. Yep, easily one thousand times. Probably more like five-thousand times.

She was so lost in her math and memories that she hadn't seen Luke step outside. When she looked up at the diner again, she was shocked to see that the scene had changed, that there was now a man in flannel and a baseball cap standing outside.

The diner had been dark when she had gotten there, and the light in the apartment upstairs was off, too. She would never have stayed if she was at risk of being caught. She wondered if he had seen her and if she could get up and sneak away before he did, if he hadn't already, when his gaze suddenly landed right on her, and she knew he had seen her.

He stared at her for a moment, and she looked down at her knees and pulled them closer to her chest. It was cold outside, and she was aware she looked pathetic and that Luke was studying her. She looked up at him again and took a deep breath as he started towards her.

He stood in front of her for a moment and stared down at her. She glanced up at him and noticed an expression on his face that she had seen before, but she wasn't quite sure what it was. Concern mixed with annoyance mixed with defeat. He sat down next to her carefully and looked over at her.

"Bored, I take it?" he half-heartedly joked. But he knew it was more than that, or else he probably would've left her to sit on the curb alone.

"Bummed," she decided, surprised that he had come over to her and seemed so light-hearted, and even more surprised when he sat down next to her.

"And you decided to come here and sit outside in the cold to be bummed?"

She shrugged. "It seemed like as good a place as any."

"What are you doing here?"

"I don't know," she admitted, staring straight ahead at the diner instead of looking at Luke.

"Okay then."

"I ended things with him tonight," Lorelai finally said, keeping her gaze straight ahead.

"So that's why you're bummed," Luke guessed, his voice coming out in the emotionless tone he'd mastered over the past few months.

"No. I'm not bummed about that at all. I feel relieved about that."

"Relieved?" he asked with a raise of an eyebrow.

"It wasn't supposed to be, me and him," she said, and finally turned to look at Luke. "You know that as well as I do. It was never supposed to be me and him, and the past few months I've just been kidding myself."

"So then, why bummed?"

She took a deep breath. Was she really admitting all of this to Luke? Why? "Because even though I've gotten myself out of that mess, I still can't… things still aren't going to be right ever again." She looked at him with tears in her eyes. "I still can't have what I want because I just kept screwing up and then screwing up on top of the screw-ups until everything was ruined."

Luke wasn't sure what to say, so he simply nodded. "Oh."

"How much do you hate me?" she asked softly, glancing at him momentarily before looking back at the street. "I know that I've screwed up really, really badly, Luke, believe me. And I think that you have every right to hate me as much as you probably do, maybe even more. But I just need to know, how much? Can I never come into the diner again, or what?"

He stared down at the street and studied his shoes for a long moment. "I don't hate you. I love you."

"Don't say that," she sniffled, letting a tear escape and slide down her cheek. "I can't handle hearing that knowing that it's not enough."

"Well it's true," he shrugged. "I love you. I always have, and no matter what you do, that's not going to change. And you know that. I've been extremely angry at you and extremely hurt by you the past few months, but I've never stopped loving you, even a little bit."

"I'm so sorry, Luke," she said, her face crumpling and the tears beginning as she buried her head in her hands. "I'm such an idiot, do you know that? Well, I'm sure you do. I just kept messing up. I was so confused. I was I so /i upset the night that I wanted to elope and you said no. In my head you'd just told me that you never wanted to marry me, because of the state of mind I was in and how I had things all mixed up in my head. You didn't get how crucial your answer was, I know that, but you said no and that just crushed me. And I needed a friend and I know I'm an idiot for choosing him, but I didn't go there for anything more than to talk to him, I swear I didn't. And then when you found out you were so hurt and angry and I couldn't blame you one bit. I knew you'd never forgive me for what I did, so I ended up back with him and I have no idea. I knew it wasn't what I wanted but I guess I thought it was probably better than having nobody. But things just kept getting worse and everything was all wrong and I just love I you /i so much," her words came out all jumbled as she cried into her hands during her outburst.

He put his arm around her tentatively and gave her shoulders a squeeze before pulling her into him, as she started to control herself. "Hey, hey, breathe," he told her in a soothing whisper. "Relax."

She felt her body immediately relax under Luke's touch and words. She sniffled and took a deep breath. "I just don't understand why I always do this, why I always screw up everything that I really want."

"You're wrong, you know."

"About what?" she sniffled.

"I would have forgiven you," he explained. "After some time. Because I eventually understood why it happened. I let you walk away and I hurt you so much, I pushed you right to him by being --"

"No. I don't want you to ever think that. It was my own stupidity."

"That never would have happened if I hadn't been a clueless jerk." She shrugged and smiled a little, agreeing with him in the smallest way. "But then by the time I got past the whole… well, you know, that night… you were with him, and that was a whole new kind of pain."

"God, I'm so sorry," she breathed.

"Everything I've ever worried about with him… it was all happening. I was always afraid this would happen even though I knew logically it shouldn't. And that hurt like hell. Especially when I knew it was my fault. There you were begging me to i marry /i you, and I could have said yes and we could have been married. But instead you ended up with him. I was kicking myself constantly."

"I know that you'll never be able to get past this, completely," she sighed, looking away from him, "and that you'll probably never understand how sincere I am, but Luke, I'm so sorry for hurting you like this. I'm not asking you to take me back or forgive me, because I know that's a lot to ask, but I just want you to know how sorry I am."

"Thanksgiving is in a couple weeks," he said suddenly.

"Yes…" she said warily, confused at the change of subject. "It is."

"Thanksgiving is a time for family and everything, and Liz is almost due with the baby…"

"What?" she gasped, "Liz is pregnant? She's almost I due /i ?"

"Yeah," Luke realized. "I guess you never knew that. She told me a few days before we broke up. I guess I never told you because…"

"I was avoiding you," she recalled those days with a sigh.

"Which I'm still confused about. But anyway, she's due soon and she's coming for Thanksgiving with TJ and Jess, probably, and April's going to spend part of Thanksgiving with me… and the only thing that could make it more complete is if you're with me, too. And Rory, of course."

"Me?" she asked, her eyes looking at him, confused and still shiny from tears. "You want to spend Thanksgiving together?"

"It's the holidays, what better time to work things out?"

She felt a lump in her throat. "Work things out?" she asked, her voice shaky. "Are you serious, after everything I've put you through you'd want to…?"

"I don't know how I'd live with myself if I didn't. I don't want to have to keep kicking myself for the rest of my life."

"Oh Luke," she gasped, throwing her arms around him. "I love you so much, you know that right?"

He chuckled a bit, looking into her eyes as she pulled back. "I do. I love you too, I hope you know that."

"I always have," she admitted quietly.

"Good, because the whole time we were apart I just… well, you asked me that night if I did and so I wondered if you really knew."

"I did," she assured him with a nod.

"We can take things as slow as we need to. We can just work on kind of being around each other again, knowing that there's more to come later, at first. I mean you did just get out of a relationship," he grimaced having to say it, "so there's absolutely no rush, but…I just want to be around you again. I miss you."

"I miss you too," she said sincerely.

"I was always just waiting after a while," he admitted. "After I came to terms with everything and how it happened, I was just hoping that you'd come back. To me. If we were really the us that I've always known, I knew you'd come back."

She smiled at him softly, letting tears slide down her cheeks freely. "I'm here."

"Yeah," he agreed, wiping a tear on her cheek away with his thumb. "You are. And so am I. I wasn't really all here for a while there, before. You're here and that's all that matters, everything else… we'll deal with it. Once I got past everything, I told myself that I just wouldn't let a chance to be with you pass me by again."

She nodded, still partially in shock. "So how long should I apologize? Can I just plead insanity?"

He chuckled. "Maybe we can just both plead insanity and be even."

"Guilty by reason of insanity," she decided. "Because we all know I was guilty."

"Guilty by reason of insanity it is, then," he agreed with a smirk. "I was guilty, too."

She stood up carefully, and he stood as well. "I should get home," she realized. "Rory's home, she's probably wondering where I am."

Luke nodded. "Do you want me to walk you?"

"No, that's okay. Thank you. I just need to sort of… process. Especially before Rory hounds me when I walk in the door and tell her what's happened."

Luke nodded. "Right, okay. Come by the diner some time tomorrow, maybe? I'm sure you've missed the coffee."

She laughed. "Almost as much as you. That sounds like a pretty good offer."

They stood, staring at each other before she stepped forward and kissed him on the lips quickly, before she even had time to think about if that was okay or not.

"I think, Luke, that just maybe we can make it after all."

"Are you sure this isn't too soon to be thinking about…?" he trailed off. "You just broke up with him, and…"

"What I had with him was… I don't know what it was. But the whole time I was with him, my heart and my mind were still with you. This is where I wanted to be the whole time."

"But if you're not ready, I'll wait for you," he assured her.

She smiled at his words. The same ones had come from Christopher hours earlier, but those had been meaningless. "I know you would," she replied. "And you have. For a really, really long time. We don't need to wait anymore. You're it for me, I've i always /i known that." A thought suddenly occurred to her. "Is it too soon for you? Because I could understand that, after I was just with him… I don't want you to think I'm just jumping from relationship to relationship and I'm unstable or something…"

"I don't," he cut in with a small laugh. "I know you, Lorelai, even though it may have seemed like I didn't the past year. But I do."

She laughed, feeling tears in her eyes again at the joy of realizing that Luke really did understand and was still confident that she loved him, even after everything. "Thank you."

He smiled at her. "Okay, well… you should get home."

"Yeah," she agreed, unable to make her legs move. "On second thought, a walk home would be nice."

"You sure?"

"If you're still offering."

"Of course I am." She extended her hand to him and he took it as they began their walk towards her house hand in hand.

Only six months ago, she had walked away from the diner in the same direction. Then she had been confused and hurt and upset. And alone. This time, she was hopeful and relieved and happy.

And this time, she was with him.

After everything they went through the past six months, since the last time she walked away from the diner in this direction, they had still found their way back to each other.

They would be okay.

I The End.

I promise my ficathon piece will be fluffy since you've all put up with so much angst. /i .


End file.
